so clearly I suck at this blog thing. It's not that I don't have anything to say, I just don't have a damn minute left to do this. I'm still going to keep pushing this boulder up the hill, though, 'cause maybe one day I'll get the hang of it or something. I continue to be an optimistic, overambitious moron. After all, I had an entire daughter in the time between now and the last time I blogged. A WHOLE ENTIRE CHILD. Named Sofia. Who is beautiful, and chubby, and healthy, and the best early Christmas present I could ever have gotten. Maybe I'll get into that in another post- the whole delivery experience, which was rather insane- or maybe not. Let's just say I spent a lot of time in the hospital bawling, and focus on the good, positive vibes for now.
It's New Year's Eve. I'm feeling hopeful and blessed. I'm also putting off doing housework right now 'cause I just nursed Fia again and don't feel like getting up off the couch yet. I kinda want a snack but don't know what I'm hungry for yet, so I'll get up when I figure that out.
I'm so lucky. Evie doesn't resent Sofia at all. I thought she might because, well, Evie is WAY into me. And it's been the Evie Show now for the last 2 1/2 years, and she is 2 1/2, which is kind of an "all-about-me" age, so I'm yet again impressed with my kid. They really do surprise you, don't they. If anything, I'm most worried about Evie loving Sofia to death. It's like that Looney Tunes cartoon with the giant abominable snowman who finds Marvin the Martian and decides to "hug him, and squeeze him, and love him and name him George." (I know I'm getting that quote wrong, but you get the idea.) Evie just loves her sister. She wants to pick her up, feed her, change her, carry her around, hug her, pat her, burp her, everything. Unfortunately, she's 2 1/2 and has no concept of the delicate structure of a 6-week-old baby, so she gets very frustrated with me when I don't allow her to do any of these things. But she is an amazing helper, and she loves to give kisses and is very proud of her sister when I bring her to daycare to pick up Evie at the end of the day.
We kept Evie in daycare for three days a week while I was out on leave. I go back on Monday. Kinda dreading it, kinda not, actually. It's not that I want to go back, or that I even feel that I'm really missed (other than by the woman who's filling in for me while I'm out), but I don't have the choice not to work. Being out for 6 weeks isn't nearly as great as being out for 12 weeks, for sure. But it actually might be easier to deal with the return not having been out as long. Being out for 3 whole months, when I went back, I cried. I cried a lot. I hated it, and I hated the financial and life situation that made it impossible for me to stay home with Evie full time. So I really hated my husbeast, especially since he was on tour at the time, having an awesome rockstar adventure while I went to work in the cubicle farm all day and then picked up my daughter from daycare and went home alone to do the mommy thing.
But you know what? In the end, it was OK. I'd still love to stay home with the girls and do the mommy thing, but I think I'd have to do it part-time, rather than full-time. First of all, we'll never be able to afford for me to stay home full time. Even when Matt's job is going great, there are still rough patches where there just aren't any shows. He really does take any job he can, and it's becoming increasingly rare for him to have enough downtime to be able to even collect unemployment. By the time he's been out long enough to file, he's able to pick up a gig. Still, given even that, it doesn't bring in enough to support a family of 4 as the solitary income. No matter how frugal we could be.
Then there's the benefit of daycare. I had such reservations about sending Evie to daycare before she was born, and maybe I just lucked out because the place that she goes to has been wonderful for her. She's learned so much, and she trusts the women who work there, and is mostly OK with me leaving her there every morning. We have our separation anxiety mornings, but hell- sometimes I don't wanna leave her just as much as she doesn't wanna leave me. You just have a day like that sometimes, where you just want to stay home in your jammie pants and watch TV and snuggle on the couch. But she has little friends she talks about, and they sing songs and learn colors and table manners and all those little things that you learn every day that I don't know if I'd have been able to teach her quite as well as they have. It's a huge portion of my paycheck, though, so with two little ones going full-time starting Monday, I don't know how long we'll be able to afford it. Some big decisions are going to have to be made this year - we probably only have about 6 months before this really becomes a financial burden.
But then, there's just me. I don't know if my brain would survive not doing something non-child-related. I love my daughters, and every day that I've been home has been a gift. But even when we're snuggled on the couch, Fia nursing contentedly on one side and Evie cuddled into the crook of my arm on the other, my brain needs stimulation. Often I have the laptop open to read the news, or Ravelry, or people's blogs, or just something to entertain me besides the Goodnight Show on Sprout. I need the challenge of learning, I need problem-solving stimulation. I do puzzles to fall asleep, or math problems in my head, or alphabetical lists by subject (cities in PA from A to Z, or world capitals, or rock bands of the 90's...) The only thing I've missed in the last 6 weeks of getting my mommy-of-two legs is mental exercise. I'm getting physical exercise (lifting two kids constantly, chasing a maniacal toddler, etc), emotional exercise (not screaming at Evie for doing 2-year-old things is taking a lot of fortitude, or sleeping only 3 hours at a time, or not crying when Fia needs to eat yet again, even though she's nursed so often in the past 3 days that my nipples feel like they're going to fall off), but my brain feels like it's going into atrophy. The credit-based reimbursement shenanigans that await me upon my return to work will certainly provide that challenge. If I was home full-time, I would probably need to teach myself Mandarin or welding or string theory or something.
So I have mixed feelings. Mostly I wish I could have the life that would allow me to stay home, yet still do something mentally nutritious- design knitwear, or learn glassblowing, or teach yoga or something. But right now, I don't see me having time to read a novel, let alone learn a new career path. So it's back to the cube farm for me, for now. For my girls' sake, for my family's sake. For the health insurance, for a steady paycheck. I'm lucky to have a job- lots of people don't. I have a nice house, a healthy family, and all my loved ones are close and healthy. So that's my prayer for this year- status quo. That things can only improve, and that none of me and mine have any heartbreak, setbacks, or letdowns in 2010. Onward and upward.
