I think I need to get my brains back.
I know I need to get my brains back.
I need to spend more time connecting my mind to the world of the real, and marveling in all there is to see and do in it.
I need to take my daughters with me on this journey.
Return the chores and responsibilities of the everyday world to their proper place - an undercurrent of reality that defines only the physical activity of the day, not the mental activity. No longer preoccupy myself solely with the domestic arts that I find so soothing and enjoyable, but give my mind a workout as strenuous as might be required of someone grossly out of shape. For my mind is out of shape. It's become fat with Food Network and Bravo and no reading and no writing. When I'm too tired to remember to go to the library other than for the book sale. My daughter has only browsed in the library once in her young life, and that is tragic. Yes, I know she can't read yet, but how will she ever get an appreciation for the wonderfulness of the library, with its infinite shelves of ideas, adventures, knowledge- her mind is hungry for it, and I've been feeding her fucking Caillou.
When I was a kid I was brainy, and people made fun of me for it. Rather than being strong enough to embrace my intellect, I dumbed myself down so that people wouldn't tease me about reading the dictionary for fun. I intentionally did poorly, skived off doing my homework or studying, because the smart kids weren't cool. Well, hell of a lot of good it did me- I still wasn't cool, and by the time I started to try to give a damn, I'd already lost a few good years of building good skills. I blamed it partially on a school system that didn't keep a good eye on me, make me do my homework, catch me in the lies I told my teachers and parents to keep out of trouble, but in all honestly if I'd just said to myself, "I don't care what people think, I AM smart, and I'm gonna work hard," perhaps it wouldn't have taken me 12 years to finally complete college and still end up working as a wage slave in a cubicle farm.
I know it's likely that I will tell this to my girls till I'm blue in the face and they'll still do whatever they damn well please anyway, but maybe, just maybe if I lead by example, they'll enjoy the intellectual pursuits in life, and fuck themselves up some other way.
YOu used to read the dictionary and I think put dots next to words you read or something? I remember you doing it and thinking it was so cool. I also remember even in kindergarten thinking it was great to have a fellow friend who was really smart. You, me, Annie... we were really smart. I wonder what would have happened if we never went to TAG Schools. Pregnant at 16 or a full ride to Harvard...
ReplyDeleteBut yes, I know my parents told me until I was blue in the face and it really did hit home for quite a while. I don't know why you and I didn't do what we really had the brains to do, and others did. But yeah, I will do all in my power that my daughter does NOT follow in my footsteps in that regard!
Hey totally unrelated... where are all the Madame Alexander dolls? This came up last night - someone gave Emerson a Middleton doll and not until I tore it open and she drooled on it did I find out they are collectors items and I ended up talking about you and your dolls. :)
OMG Really? I actually still have them all. They're in a glass cabinet at my parents' house in OC, to be mine when I have a safe and appropriate place for both the cabinet (an antique) and its contents. Evie likes to go upstairs when we visit there and just look at all the dolls... so probably, we won't have that cabinet in my house until I can be reasonably assured that I won't hear a horriffic crash and find a bunch of headless collectors' items all over my floor.
ReplyDeleteAnd you know what? We are young, and we still have loads of time to find a way to make our passions our careers. Yeah, we have our daughters to take care of now, so maybe we can't just bag it all and go follow our dreams. But we're smart and resourceful, and we have nothing but time. Maybe that's the gift we'll be giving our daughters- the benefit of our own experiences, and maybe it'll bear more weight for them, knowing that we made a few missteps along the way and weren't just perfect little goody two-shoes (what IS that phrase, anyway?) that always did what we were told.